Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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