: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
