Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
