in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
