not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
