i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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