My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Randomize
