I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
