ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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