my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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