We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Randomize
