I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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