I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
