how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
