I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
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