We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
