and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
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I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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