You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
