I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
