dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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