if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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