I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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