i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
