if i can run in heels then i can drive
I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
