Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
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