I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
