we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize
