I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
