His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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