i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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