Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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