woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
