Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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