I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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