bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
