I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
