Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
