The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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