Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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