I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
