i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
