I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
MIDGETS
????
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Randomize
