I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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