did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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