Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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