The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
