Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
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