So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
