Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
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