let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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