Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
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