I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
