Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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