Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
We left an ass print on the piano.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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