You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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