You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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