12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
