I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
tonight lets celebrate not being married
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Randomize
