i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
